Wednesday, October 3, 2012

To Err Is Human.

and i am... human

so very human

capable of so much... and also so very little. capable of... such insight and blindness. strength and weakness. caring and cruelty...


just a simple human playing a Demon's Game...

I just... wanted to protect my son. Proxy, though, I am... the job could never... completely kill a parent's devotion. That is truth. Yes. It is. No matter how we break. No matter how much It takes away... tearing into you until you're not but a puzzle of bone and blood for them to rebuild for their own... purpose... their own... game...

it can't make you forget

not unless you want to

And I didn't want to.

I wanted to Remember.

To Know Who You Are is a Strength that comes far beyond any manner of muscle and skill. 

But, For Others To Know Who You Are...

That... is the Crack in the Armor.

And yet... I wanted to believe I could keep it together.

I wanted to believe... I could still make it work... that Leo could still have his foster family...

"--until they die. Just a few more years of Preparation, Sam. 

Then he needs Tragedy. 

And then he will spiral down to our level.

There really is a science to making creatures like you. 

You have to get the formula just right..."

Goddamn you.



Amber Eyes... why the HELL did I trust Amber Eyes? I had a warning, and that wasn't good enough? Did I not SEE??

I didn't want to see.

Only Human.

Now... now I've made everything so much worse. I should have killed him. I know that. I knew that then too. I should have taken his life like I took Alex's. I could have done it quick - it would have been a mercy! It would have  been... i'm not... i'm...

my arm... still feels like it's on fire. He spoke of claiming him and I just... drowned in The Red. I lunged at him and pinned him and he... he grabbed my gauntlet so damn calmly and the burning was so intense I could smell the burnt flesh, skin sizzling beneath the metal as the steel of my weapon... my signature gauntlet... the inside just... melted to me. I could feel it as it dripped and molded and fuse to my skin and I can't get it off... i cant...

"Tisk, task, Sam. Where was your head? I'm disappointed. You should know by now that the Job doesn't come off that easy. Let me make this more clear for you.... Once you have claws, all you'll ever be is a monster."

How could I have let this happen? 

How could I have been so damn BLIND?

I wanted to think... it would be so easy. I wanted to think that I was the only target. The only one being looked at. Sized up for future plans. A Solider Who Still Has Some Fighting Days Left. That's what I wanted them to see. That was my role.

Use me.

Use me, and I'll use you to get what I want in exchange...

I am a Tool.

I am a Soldier.

Use and be used.

Handy dandy little system...

but this Tool... this Soldier... is wearing out. Wearing down. A toy can only be glued back together so many times and I can feel that. Why did I think they would not see it? Especially him. Amber Eyes. That fucking bastard. HE LIED TO ME.


I lied to myself.

"You have done well. Very well. You are a model agent and a fantastic killer. And that is why I want Leo to be the future Nightscream, when you are old and withered... Or more likely dead. You should be proud."

I want to be Proud.

I do.

I truly do.

Right, Vivi?

Just Like I Said?

Just Like I Said When You Had To Have It All? When Enough Wasn't Enough? Is It Enough Now, I Wonder?

You Must Be Proud. So Proud.

Your little plan... it paid out, didn't it? I fell for it. Like a mouse in a mousetrap, lured by cheese. Lured by a promise. Lured by the Hope that things could just be that easy. And then it was just SNAP and, oops, too late for second thoughts. I fell for it. And you... you must have worked so hard to control your grin. To watch me blind myself with Hope and Hope alone. It has been... such a long time since I've been taken in by its whispers... its poisoned 'what ifs'...

It's never that easy. I knew that.

But I wanted to believe it could be. I wanted to. Like a child wanting to believe in fairies and trolls.

There is nothing more destructive than Hope.

But, I believe... a Congratulations in in order, Amber.

It was a good little game, I'll admit, from one Trickster to Another. I may have done something similar myself at one point...

But you've underestimated which Toy you're playing with.

I Want To Be Proud Too, Valtiel.

Proud As I Watch Fear Stir In Amber Eyes.

Proud As All Your Delusions Of Superiority Crumble.

Proud As Your Precious Control Is



From You.

You don't think I can, do you?

Of course not.

For I Am Human.

And you are so much less more, correct...?

Heh. You're not as complex as you think you are.

Showing you that... is going to be My Pride.

Humans may seem so very fragile to you... but Monsters still BLEED, you greedy little bastard.

Father wears a Scar.

The Beak Limps.

So a little Nothing like you sure as all FUCK can DIE!!!