this is my goodbye

perhaps it is better this way 

no dramatics. no misguided sacrifices. no final showdown of good vs evil. no delusional hero worship. no runaway trains. no final acceptance or awakening. no disappearing acts. no explosions or lethal experiments. no spray of bullets. no attempt to fix the past or at some grand idealist message. no... touching sign off or... ultimate betrayal...

except that which i am going to do against myself... and against... David and Em...

they deserve better than what i'm about to put them through


i'm so sorry


but i've just... i can't... spend another day like this. i've already spent far too many. pretending. pretending that i'm not... in pain... every minute of every day. pretending... that this guilt inside isn't tearing me apart. isn't eating me alive. isn't... festering and boiling and bringing my own sickness to life right before my eyes like pus from an infected wound... pretending any of this can even be... fixed... in any way...

"What aren't you telling me, Sam?              

I can tell you're hurting."    

               "...Some days are better than others, David...
     today is just... an 'other'..."



my days... my days are mental mindfields.

and if i trip... if i... trip... one of the so many strings... then i... then...


it's only snarls of expressions and chilled cruelty.

it's only... guilt and pain. as much of it as words can make...

when coming off familiar tongues


Joseph

Leo

Shooter

Alex

Requiem

Owen

Jordan



those are just the ones you'd know


just the ones you know... who appear as real as flesh before my eyes. built of guilt and agony that threads so deep i just... they're real to me. and they've been... slowly killing me. slowly strangling every breath of air. slowly... eating away at my mind... with every word that i write in my journal... every... sentence... only makes them more real...

and, despite the torture of each word... every second of 'company' that feels like hours...

in some sick way that i can't... even hope to understand...


i don't want it to stop

i don't want THEM to stop

i can see them

hear them

watch them move around

it hurts so much but... they're there...

they're... there...


i can't... i can't do this anymore

i can't stay torn like this

it hurts too much

it just hurts too damn much


i'm sorry, David.

i'm sorry, Em.


i tried really hard this week. tried to make it a good one. a good... last one. with the three of us. it was... nice to see you both smile. that's all i wanted to do this week. was to make you both smile. make you both... happy... before i go. you deserve that, you know. to be happy.

know that... it's nothing either of you have done. or didn't do.


no one could have helped me.


because i didn't want it. not for me.

i've stayed this long for you

only for you

because i didn't... want to hurt you

but i'm not saving you from anything, am i?

this whole time... i've just been... prolonging the suffering...


i've taken measures... to make sure i finish this. its ending here. now.

please don't blame yourselves

please just... try to understand...


i want this




i want... this...










goodbye