perhaps it is better this way
no dramatics. no misguided sacrifices. no final showdown of good vs evil. no delusional hero worship. no runaway trains. no final acceptance or awakening. no disappearing acts. no explosions or lethal experiments. no spray of bullets. no attempt to fix the past or at some grand idealist message. no... touching sign off or... ultimate betrayal...
except that which i am going to do against myself... and against... David and Em...
they deserve better than what i'm about to put them through
i'm so sorry
but i've just... i can't... spend another day like this. i've already spent far too many. pretending. pretending that i'm not... in pain... every minute of every day. pretending... that this guilt inside isn't tearing me apart. isn't eating me alive. isn't... festering and boiling and bringing my own sickness to life right before my eyes like pus from an infected wound... pretending any of this can even be... fixed... in any way...
"What aren't you telling me, Sam?
I can tell you're hurting."
"...Some days are better than others, David...
today is just... an 'other'..."
my days... my days are mental mindfields.
and if i trip... if i... trip... one of the so many strings... then i... then...
it's only snarls of expressions and chilled cruelty.
it's only... guilt and pain. as much of it as words can make...
when coming off familiar tongues
those are just the ones you'd know
just the ones you know... who appear as real as flesh before my eyes. built of guilt and agony that threads so deep i just... they're real to me. and they've been... slowly killing me. slowly strangling every breath of air. slowly... eating away at my mind... with every word that i write in my journal... every... sentence... only makes them more real...
and, despite the torture of each word... every second of 'company' that feels like hours...
in some sick way that i can't... even hope to understand...
i don't want it to stop
i don't want THEM to stop
i can see them
watch them move around
it hurts so much but... they're there...
i can't... i can't do this anymore
i can't stay torn like this
it hurts too much
it just hurts too damn much
i'm sorry, David.
i'm sorry, Em.
i tried really hard this week. tried to make it a good one. a good... last one. with the three of us. it was... nice to see you both smile. that's all i wanted to do this week. was to make you both smile. make you both... happy... before i go. you deserve that, you know. to be happy.
know that... it's nothing either of you have done. or didn't do.
no one could have helped me.
because i didn't want it. not for me.
i've stayed this long for you
only for you
because i didn't... want to hurt you
but i'm not saving you from anything, am i?
this whole time... i've just been... prolonging the suffering...
i've taken measures... to make sure i finish this. its ending here. now.
please don't blame yourselves
please just... try to understand...
i want this
i want... this...