Tuesday, January 29, 2013

the w orld is 
sh u  t   t    e   r  i ng 
and 
sh a ki  ng
and 
s  h   i v   e  r  i  n  g 
out of control. 
there s a storm building. hidden. boiling and itching n crawlingg                     
 beneath the skin
                                                                                      like insecrts. eating you from the inside out. flesh eaters. some humans are flesh eaters too. they eat away. wearing you out. down. crippling. until you feel like youre gon ig to hear an echo when you talk. bouncing off your ribcage into the exxpance of nothing that

only gets

"...Why did he do it?" 

worse
         
"The Author never snapped
the leash like that on me before....
did he think I was just
going to roll over
and play dead?"
                                       rattle
                                 rattle 
                           rattle
                      screeches and 
                                        groans
                             clawing cries of 
                                    timber
                           and nails

                    it's all coming apart, isn't it?
 
"He threatened me.
He threatened my family.
He had to know how I'd react.
It's not like I was a faceless file.
It's not like
he didn't know me.
I was brought into his office several times.
I thought, of all the Highest,
The Author would understand.
Let me do things my way.                                     
The Other Highest
never approved of me.
My attitude.
But The Author was different.
Least I thought he was.
I didn't mean for things to go this far but...
I couldn't
let it happen.
I couldn't let him
HURT them.
You understand,
don't you...?"

                                                                                              pounding. slitting. blistering my skull my m ind theres flashes and twisted of images one on top of the other amonst the RED and white like the stains on Alex's sheets when I
                                                      s
                                                          w
                                                               u
                                                                    n
                                                                         g
                                                                                     and it went thud. then 
nothing. 
just dead eyes and red on white on red on...
                                                    but Jo is here. Jo understands. he has always understood me. always known what i was thinking. what i was feeling. he's always been there for me. he's my friend. my closest friend. i can 
                                               t rust
                                                                                     him
               
"Of course, I do.
But, of course,
I can't help but feel responsible
for this whole mess
                in the first place.
However, what use is there to me
blaming the monster
that's truly at fault?
I suppose that's in the past now.
You forget, Sam,
that this all could have been
a product of...
careful misdirection.
The product of the Devil
whispering in your ear.
                     Or someone else's,
 for that matter.
I have never been a gambling man,
 you know that.
But a bet against the
 Crimson King
having his grubby fingers
where they did not belong
 is a stupid bet indeed.
You know how he is, Sam.
What he can do.
For all we know,
the entire situation
was just misinformation
built upon
 a foundation
of lies."
"I... suppose
it's possible that
The Author was mislead somehow?
I don't know what to think.
Everything just seems so...
complicated lately.
So very complicated..."
                                        "As if it wasn't
complicated enough before."
 such a kind smile 
such a welcome    
contrast                      
to the blistering storm outside                          
"But you've never really been one
to give up, have you?
Not with Alex or Leo
and certainly not now."
"...I kknow that he...
isn't dead.
He can't be dead.
There's no possibl e way.
Valtiel claims he is...
but one can hardly trust
a snake tongue,
riight...?"
"Yes, I'd be inclined
to agree with you.
If not The Tree,
what has our Red Friend
 even been killed by?
No, he's probably taking
his sweet time
dismantling all semblance
of order we used to have.
It's disgusting, isn't it?
How quickly he turns
to chaos as a solution  
to a question  
that nobody is asking...." 
 
he suddenly turns to me    
puzzled 

"But here's
the real problem, Sam.
What if it wasn't Author
 who was misled...?"
 my stomach 
  gives a twist
"I...
...I... suppose it's possible? 
I am merely
humann. 
As capable of being 
deceived as
an yone. 
But how?
In what way? 
Those Proxies had come for me.
They had 
an arrest warrant for me 
issued by The Author. 
They tortured me. 
They were trying to find out 
where they were.
Alex and Leo. 
I couldn't 
tell them that. 
I couldn't...!"

              pound
                      and pound
                                   and pound
                                             and CLAWING at ny s skull
                                                       mmy EYE
                                           ny e ye iis B BURNNING 
"...then tthat...
...sna ke came... 
and made everything 
a million times 
worse.
Just 
Amber 
Eyed 
Snakes... 
the bboth 
of them..."
"It's interesting
that you use 'Snake' to
describe one,
and 'The Devil' to
describe the other.
You've got to wonder
 if maybe you've got it
the wrong way around.
Think, Sam!
Why would your subconscious mind
make that association
between the two of them? "
 speechless
 i'm speechless
I don't know whattt 
it n  ever
it never made sense
i know that
i had always known that
so little of it all
actually made sense
but it split my 
skull  
to even ju
    "What are you missing?
If...
no
when they tortured you,
were they really looking
 for something
so simple?"
hammering
beating
BURNING
my mind
to even...
why had The Author singled me out?
why had he issued a warrent
instead of just...
asking me to come in?
why had it all
spooked him so much?
why had it been put
on such top priority
when t here were so much
bigger
things
to wworry about?
i t nnever mad e sen
"...You can't trust anyone, Sam
You can't trust me.
  You can't trust Redlight.
 And you sure as Hell
can't trust yourself.

What are you doing?

 being satisfied

in a bed of lies?


This isn't like you!

     theres a 
                   suddden
                                              FLASH                                  
         a glimpse
      a shadow
       an impression
             of somethi ng
                    that felt

                         true

"The Author...
said...
that he
couldn't
help me...?"

                                           
it diidn't
add
up

"...help me
with
what...?
It doesn't make any
SENSE!"

 the t orture had been 
exxperimen tal
 buy whyy?
why bother go to that
 lengt?h
 why isolatem e
 from the other prsioners?
  why take
  so m many precautions?
why had there been sso
               MANY
  involved?
too mmuch
to many
     m any 
   questions
 "I can't think!
I can't THINK
pastt
this damn headache!"
                 im ppacing again
                                  back
                                            and
                                                      forth
                                            and
                                  forth
                                            and
                                                    back
                                 stirring dust
                        on the
                                 splitting
                                             Cafe
                                                     floor 

"it just wwon't STOP! 
What couldn't The Author
help me with? 
Why is so much focused on me? 
First Red, 
then The Author, 
now Valtiel... 
or Valtiels, rather... 
why?
WHY?!
Things don't get
this complicated. 
Not THIS complicated! 
I'm NOTHING! 
I'm a Servant!
A damn high school teacher
for the love of God..."
"I know it's hard."
 he sound
so much mor e 
distant now
as if he was
 so far away
 
"But you're running out of time, Sam.
 You've made a terrible mistake...
 in assuming
that your memories
could be trusted.
 I wouldn't feel too badly about it.
You're human,
and that's all you can be.
To expect yourself
to have questioned
 your recollections sooner
 is a waste of time.
But that doesn't mean
you can keep pretending
you aren't nnoticing the
cra
cks." 
he swallows
seemingly finding it 
hard to continue
even as i
slowly come to a halt from my
                          p       a        c       i     n    ggg
              myy gaunt lett
                  l   e   aning against a 
                              support
b
e
a
m
my head pulsing with each
  word I hheard
 "Just iggnore
the headache for a s econd.
 Doesn't this all seem too...
convenient?
The minute you'd want
revenge on The Devil,
a new Snake shows up...
 for what?
I'm going
to be frank here,
Sam,
please forgive me,
but you're nothing special.
 You're right:
 you shouldn't have attracted
 any attention whatsoever."

he grimaces, 
 holding his own head,
fingers gripping tight enough
 to turn their tips
pure white.

  "So what
could have
possibly happened
that would suddenly
make you
a person of interest...?"
                          a siic knesss
                ch u rni n g
          inside
                    a Fear 
                           b   e       n       e   athe
                          the  P   A    I     N
               What ccan i
                                 t trust
                        if not my own 
                mindd?
                    m y own
                             memmories?
                                     when did things 
                                          start
                                        to stop 
                       making sense? 
"...Redlight disappeared. 
He disappeared and... 
there was suddenly this
tornado
that replaced him..." 

                                     i feel
                                            so weak
                                 i want to sit down
                          i nee d to si

"DDid... 
Au
thor think... 
I knew wh where he wwas? 
What he was... 
ddoing?"
"EExcell
ent."
he panted 
 just the same as mme        
a mirror
of the pain 
 and
exhuastion              
       i felt gnawing away                       
inside
"What would that
 have to do with
'helping you',
 however?
Author is a straightforward man.
He wouldn't say
anything he didn't-"

he's cut off                      
by another                                  
s                                          
t                                      
a                                  
b                              
of pain                     
shooting                           
splitting                                   
burning                                           
through his skull,                      
a silent whimper         
on the edge of his breath.  
                                                 I sta
                                                        gg
                                                             er
                                         grabbing hold
                            of the b
                                      e
                                      a
                                      m
                                 to support me
                    as i fight against
           the sudden    S
                                P
                                I
                               K
                               E
                   B O L T I N G
              through 
                         my
                              skull
                         out
                    my
              EYE 
      everything
               spinning
                       sway
                             ingg
                                      barely
                                            standing
                                                     stomach
                                                         t
                                                    w
                                                             i
                                            s
                                t
                   i
                                        n 
                            g

 "arre yyoou... aallright? 
My ffriiend...?
WWinston...?" 
 "-mean."
he finally finishes
straining.
 "I'm fine.
Everything's going t
o be
okay
as long as we
keep
going.
 eeven a ssuming
 Author's comment
meant nothing.
why wouldn't Leo
have been used
 to control you before this?
The information
was not that hard to find.
 Children lleave
paper trails,
 no matter what.
Someone who knew what to look for
 could have found the signs."

he's shaking                                    
so                                          
badly                                
just                          
                           like me 
"Unless
 they hit a dead
end, Sam.
Unless there was nothing
more
 to
 look
for."

 I shook my head. 
Slightly 
at first
 then a touch more firm. 

 Or is 'desperate' a better word?

 "No, they... 
they wouldn't
have known. 
They couldn't have known.
I didn't give my name.
Not my real one.
'Freeman' is a lie.
My favorite
actor.
Nothing more.
Leo... 
was protected. 
I kept him safe. 
That was always
top priority. 
Always. 
He stayed safe.
He..."

a sickening feeling
 stirred in my stomach. 
this i wrong. 
 this is 
so
       so 
wrong...

"...he was my little boy.
he was so young...
why...
would they
have even looked?
You said it yourself. 

I'm nothing special. 


I wasn't even

trained.

I'm not..."









"... Sam.











                       
Why did you use past tense?"














 "I...


 I didn't.



I'm sorry, that
             
was... an aaccident




I mmeant...

                                 
                                   
i meanntt...




it...



 it was...


 an accident....



 a....


 ....no...


 no, it's not possible.
 
it's not!
I held him!


I HELD HIM!


I was WITH him!

He remembered me,
Winston
He said he'd missed me!
He wanted to come home!
He...!

He...


my bboy...


mmy..."

it huurts


  it all hu

                         rts so mu cch


"....Wiins
 tton.....?


whattss
 hhappennig
 t to
m ee...?




"Leo's dead."



 
voice like a quiet breeze  
 in the stagnant air
of the cafe.

No, it's a bar, isn't it...?
 
"Two years ago,
he ran out into the road
and was mowed down
 by someone minding
 their own business.

Nobody was at fault.

His foster parents
 were inconsolable.
Fate dealt him a cruel hand.
Declared dead at the scene.
 Just another dead deer
at the side of the road.
A statistic.
 A tragedy.

That's what's going on, Sam.



You're living a LIE!"






"...nno.

  


N-NO!

                         
youre wwrog!




Leo...

Leeo w-was pplay ing


  i ssaw him

 i i saw mmy
booy
      
i...

he....


           
 he rran
 t o me"

 sha kki n g 
                 
 i

           evve rythiing 
      jjust...



i could f eel the bblood

from my nails
                                                       
grripping my
s
k
u
l
l
                                                                          
 i

w
a
      n
                 t
 
       t
                                                           o                                                


  R
 I
P

                 i
                t

                                   f   r   o       m
                                                                                       
m
y
  
                                   
F    -    L    -    E    -    S    -    H




its wrong


its lies


its not REAL



GETITOUTOFME




                                 
"GGodd
                          
nno

 I
hhad
 hiim.



 I...        
             


  ...sstop it...




                                                                                                                           ...stop it.










S          T          O          P                     I          T     !!!"











"...Let me tell you a story, Sam.
A Proxy goes
 to their only friend
on a dark and stormy night.
The Proxy's friend says that its important.
That the Proxy has been acting...

strange.

 Tell me..."


his voice sounds
so
strange               
but 
familiar...?

"What did your friend show you that night?


What could have possibly
been so important?"
a shudder passed
t h r o u g h  me
 r at tlin g  me
ra tt ling  like  the  roof
the walls
the floor
the world
 pulling 
from its base
     coming 
                      l
                            o 
                                o 
                                    s 
                                       e




falling apart, don't you mean?





"....hiis...


dde  ath

 c-certificate...



 his....



oh God




God


                       
 pplease noo





 mm y
boy
                                                  



  he wwas j ust aa
 BOY...!!




myy
 bboy



 mmy



 bbaby boy..."




 


"You had been acting like he was alive."

that voice keeps twisting. so unlike him.
 pacing around me.
circling me
constricting around
 unforgiving eyes
never leaving me
ever

"So your friend confronted you. Showed you the evidence.
Said you were delusional.     
Explained that The Author had never sent you into any suicide mission
as punishment, but rather because you were the only one that could even come close to handling the job. That your allegiance towards the Red Devil had... changed you. That he was twisting everything around on you and turning his 'Jester' into a real life Fool. And when your friend finally finished 
talking... when he placed a hand on your shoulder                                                                            

and quietly stated that he would help you through this,


help you get your life back...."



 
i felt the floorboards hit my knees
 the palms of my hands
     everything coming up at me in a rush of movement that 
                                                                               flooded over my mind. plunging me into ice and 
heat and tearing storms of blood and screams and restraints on my wrists and ankles and chest as i begged the Author to kill me. i didn't want to go back i didn't want to get swallowed by the RED. it choked me until i couldn't breath couldn't think couldn't SEE what was right before my eyes until there were circles of bruises with eyes that never closed. only stared. only stared up at me as my fingers closed tighter around that throat. that throat that pulse that LIFE that is...

was...

 my best friend... 
         
                                                                                                                and i did'nt stop

                                               

                      
until it did









"...I killed him."








           


 all lies






all been nothing 
but
lies
           

everything






 is

             
RED








s p ll in t e  r i ng    in tto





  s moth  ering  
overr






infect
          i
           n
           g







inF   ESTii ng







evretihng











                                                                                       EVVERYTHING




 jusst REDD



                                   RED
 

                      RED


        RED


RED


RED


RED


RED


RED


RED


RED


RED


RED


RED


RED


RED


RED


RED


RED



RED




RED





RED






RED







RED









no










RED












NO
















            NO GETOUTT






















                                  GGET OUT






















GETOUTOFMYHEAD!!!!

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