Saturday, March 2, 2013

how much longer
 is this going to go on for

how much furtherr
 is it going to spread

is anyone even
TRYING to stop it

 can it even be fucking stopped/

It was..... inside her.  i FELT It inside of her. she wasn't one of us, she was a NORM. she didn't know a damn THING and i just... i felt It... i felt... the RED...  and i just... panicked. she had been trying to HELP ME. trying to help the stupid cripple in the goddamn wheelchair and her arm brushed across mine and i just... i panicked and nearly sent a display flying...

all i could see

all i could. hear

all i could... feel

was him

The Devil.

The Network

Those stirngs on mme agian wrapping around coiling around strangliing me SMOTHERING ME as those arms came around pulling me back against him back TO him tightening like snakes until ii thought my bones were going to splinterr and break and his hand clamped over my mouth and i couldn''tt breathe
please god ijust wantt to

words no more than poison
when he asked if ii would smile for him



and then it wasn't his arms... but David's. the same damn stubborn git that scrapped me off the road under the cold rain that night,
                                                                    that held my wrists so i wouldn't claw at my own face when i woke up a few days later. breaking and crying in torment that clawed down deep to my very core. cursing him for saving me. cursing him for not letting me die

 and would later be bandaging those same wrists when he walked in to find me trying to bite through my veins. a pathetic wreck of a human just making a pathetic attempt to end the scraps of life i had left. begging him to leave me. to let it happen. to just let it END. spitting on him when he silently refused. silently took anything i threw at him. no matter how cruel the words.

 he just kept holding onto me. 
holding on as i wept after he'd pulled me up from the bathroom floor. the bottle of bleach torn from my hands and mouth and thrown clear across the room. ynaking me up and pulling me into his arms even as i wept about it not being enough. it burned. my mouth, my throat, all inside... but it hadn't been enough. pain for nothing. pain tha tonly lead to more pain and no relief as i burned and threw up and David never once left me

snarling at him to just get it fucking over with.
throwing off the covers and telling him to go ahead. that i didn't care.
fuck me.
it was what he wanted, wasn't it? why he was bothering with me like this?
now that his other two "fucktoys" were dead, he needed another to take their place.
but he just... pulled the covers back up. speaking soft and slow. telling me i needed to rest.

trying to get me to calm down

 just like during my night terrors and hallucinations 
and everything that just snowballs on itself. when i can't stop the voices can't stop myself from screaming out and breaking 
as it all becomes REAL again. 
when i FEEL it all again and HE'S there instead of David and i beg for it to stop. to just be left alone. left to die. and i get so tired but i can't sleep. can't sleep without seeing HIM without feeling my hands close around Winston's throat again and it all becomes just too muhc. just too much to take. to burden and i don't want to live with the pain anymore

 just like at the store.
when i could feel the Red ON me again... and he was suddenly there. he'd come back. arms around me. forehead to mine talking soft so soft just trying to bring me back to.... calm me down. reminding me... i could breathe. to take my time. to talk.

to tell him what was wrongg

god it's ALL so wrong... why don't any of you SEE THAT??!?

she's going to go home to her family and friends and she's going to bring HIM with her everywhere she goes. it's in the RED. i saw it on her. didn't notice at first, but after i Knew, i saw it.

a tiny tattoo of a heart just behind her ear.

her mark

HIS mark

so subtle

even the bloodspot in my eye was more obvious than that

but both are enough. both are all he needed to tie us up. force us down the line. jerk our legs and swing our arms while our minds end up LOST behind the SMOKE AND ASH....

how is this
 ever going to be alright?

it just keeps spreading

it's only ever going to get worse


only ever gets worse                                                                                

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